Excerpt from an Information Sub-EtherVidX™ file, for new outward bound Space-Marines
....Good question Corporal Grins...and take your feet off the damned chair!
This was covered in the first Unreal mission, which is why you are still a Corporal. For the rest of you newbies, LISTEN-UP !
Many reptiles are still dangerous after they are dead. If a lizard or snake lose a tail when attacked, the tail will still wriggle around. Some will even writhe around when they have actually been killed.
The Skaarj warriors are very dangerous when they are dead. Official policy is to ENGAGE AT A DISTANCE. Preferably from the drop-ship on the way down.
If you or one of your squad are unlucky enough to be in Melee range, this is the favourite Skaarj fighting style, do NOT try to remove the head.
This will initiate an instant and violent reaction. These bad-boys are so wired to hurt you, they will take you down with their last dying breath and still keep fighting. Head-shots are a no-go if you're close enough to smell them. Standing behind them is your bet, but if you can smell him, he knew you were there a long time ago.
Official policy, is not to execute any Skaarj prisoners, as this has proved hazardous. They are to be shipped-out to the Unreal Tournament, where some poor ass-hole, will get torn a new one!
Unofficial policy is to, if you really have to execute a prisoner, then do it by remote with one of your standard issue Chaos proxy-mines. Practice on some zombies if you need to.
...Grins will you sit still ?
Yeees Corporal Grins, I know a 'deemer will do the job fine too, but it is expensive... and a bit accident-prone. *whispers* for the rest of us.
Anyway the word is, the new orbital-uplink ion thingy will be available soon, so that'll put a rain on their parade... Hot ionised rain....mmmm.
Mind you I bet Captain Hook will be happier when the new range of nukes arrive. He does love a big bang that man, and we all know he's got a score to settle with those lizards, since the... incident with his hand.
Which reminds me, NO MELEE with these sons-of... hell I hope you boys don't meet a Queen. We've been trying to modify a captive Rock-Titan to deal with them bitches, but they just like throwing stuff, and they ain't so picky as to what or where. They put the last one in a zoo, but it ain't working.
Everyday it tears-up chunks of the floor and throws it at the public... Stupid idea...zoo.
No Corporal Grins, it throws THAT at the keepers, first thing in the morning. And boy do they produce a...well a whole sh*t-load !
...GRINS !! Stop grinning and face-front grud-damnit !
...Where was I ?
Your beloved Captain, he says "you need to feel comfortable when you're piloting a 'deemer" down the throat of a lizard." and that's why he wears the bastard that took his hand. So when you look at those boots, you'll know they came at a hefty-price.
That Skaarj got a hero's hand, and the Captain got a nice new pair of green boots.
Fair swap, I say.
They were a bit red for a while. He got the shoe-maker to leave the blood on them. They've seen a whole lot more since then...a whooooole lot more.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON ?!
Colonel Creavion, leave the potted-plants alone.
...No. I don't care how good they would look in your quarters!
*whispers* I saw the manifest, and I removed your request for gardening equipment. You can look at alien trees all you want when we get there.
...samples?..can you what?...
Oh, OK... if you "discover" something you think is that amazing, take some S3TC containers, a few DXT1's should do.
...how big? OK.ok, you can have one of the new DXT5's... one.
Commander Papercoffee, what the hell are you drawing ?... Give !
...Oh veeeery funny... You see me with a fluffy tail do you ?
You just lost a day's coffee-ration. and I know who will be enjoying that. mmmmmm.
Damn-it, someone get Lieutenant Ferali on the comm's. I wanna know how long before the Skaarj-Barbecue?... I don't care about his mid-day siesta! I want to see the grud-damned sky on fire.
and make sure Lieutenant Shadow knows we need those cool new shields, out of testing and ready for a fight.
While you're at it, get Lieutenant Griffin or Loathsome to get a team to sort out the maintenance bots. Some of them have been found walking in a circle, repeating out-loud "Error, out of bounds, error, out of bounds"... Whatever the hell that means ?
And if it's not too much to ask, while I go to the medic for the head-ache I am getting, can someone find out who brought on-board that grud-damned-mother-fragin' alien rabbit from the second mission?
This morning I found my favourite Relics chewed to bits... I am going to skin it, and eat it....When someONE GRUD-DAMNED FINDS IT ! ...
Oww my head...
When you find out who is responsible, I want them shot on sight immediately... if not sooner.
...Why ? Oh... uuuuum ... insurrection? Yes tell the family that they went insane in the face of the enemy.
I WILL triumphantly stride into battle wearing my...umm...new...uuu...rabbit-skin boots?
...No Corporal Grins , they will not still be soft, or FLUFFY!...GRRRrrrrrr. Ooww! They could be gloves, or a maybe a...hat ?
Sargent would you please take the pad...and stylus from Commander Papercoffee, before I put it somewhere the Commander would not like.
...No. I do not want you to hide it...I..I.I.I..
I am going.
I am going to the medic, and slowly insane.
...Call me when we hear from Admiral Shade. We need to finish this fragin' dino-hunt and make them extinct, so we can all get home in time for the Tournament. I hear there maybe some surprises in store this year... and apparently even the food is going to totally blow us away.
"A new taste explosion" according to an inside...sauce.. sauce? anyone?...No?
...Oh Corporal Grins for the love of... what is your problem ? Why can you not just stand still ? Do you have to keep moving about? Have you been drinking the Commander's private coffee?...
I don't care about your flaky connection. I...Oh... yes ping-rate, fine...well...
*Looks around the room*
Screw you guys!
Someone take the bridge, I am tired and I have had enough!
All characters portrayed here, are...um...entirely...intentional