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Teach 'em a lesson (fan fiction)

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User avatar Legendslayer222
Skaarj Elder Skaarj Elder
Posts: 1468
Joined: 15 Mar 2009, 10:18
Location: England

Subject: Teach 'em a lesson (fan fiction)

Post Posted: 14 Apr 2009, 22:02

I have wrote a Fan Fiction for Unreal called Teach 'em a lesson, but it's not on this site.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4910199/1/Teach_em_a_lesson

It's on a site called FanFiction.net and I have put the link to the story above. Here is the summary I have given it on the site:

A training camp for Skaarj on the grounds of Harobed? Another crashed ISV ship? Quests to fetch angry Titans? Blimey, this'll be a laugh...

User avatar nikosv
Skaarj Berserker Skaarj Berserker
Posts: 278
Joined: 03 Aug 2008, 23:07
Contact:

Subject:

Post Posted: 11 May 2009, 07:12

A quick albeit late criticism.

The names are awkward and seem to have no basis in any language.

The story was confused as to what it was. Supposedly it was a series of logs, I'm guess audio recordings, but there were several occasions where the person/skaarj should NOT have been recording a log. I understand if something happens after they begin a log, but it doesn't make sense for characters to enter a long and rambly log in the middle if a big firefight. If something is going on and the character wants to quickly record what's going on, a few words is all that should be said.

A quote like, "Wait, what is that outside…" sounds awkward. The character isn't talking to anyone in the log, (s)he is recording the surroundings. Something better would be "...Something's outside." To be honest, a lot of the monologues seemed out of place. Amongst other things, this seemed strange:
"Oh looks, a Sainsbury’s bag. Full of food.

*num num num num*

That was a filling meal! I can carry on now."

Also, stuff like this:
"Ha, ha, ha, ghost… *trails off and kisses good luck charm*"
How are the asterisks conveyed through a log? It sounds more like something that would be said in an instant messager conversation.

On another note, with the exception of "Oh look," I thought this entry was well written and I could hear very clearly in my head:
"Oh look another Skaarj is braving the assault course. What does the translator say… It says he’s called Gruy, according to the whimpering Skaarj in the audience, his so-called brother. I can’t see how they can have brothers when they are all born by the same Skaarj Queen.

I’ll try and figure that out…

…No ideas came yet."


Regarding where Gruy was promoted to Skaarj Berserker, it seemed strange how there was no explanation as to why he suddenly became huge.

Related to that, it was strange how the classes were mentioned (ex. Mercenary Elite). It was as if the skaarj were looking at the death console to see what a pawn was called. The Same applied with the map names. And don't you think Skaarj would simply call a Skaarj Scout a Scout? You kept preceding Skaarj classes with the word "Skaarj" in Skaarj logs, it was kind of weird.

I guess that's all. Fix some of the informalities strange instant-messager-like bits and it'll be good. Overall the story itself was interesting enough.

User avatar Legendslayer222
Skaarj Elder Skaarj Elder
Posts: 1468
Joined: 15 Mar 2009, 10:18
Location: England

Subject:

Post Posted: 12 May 2009, 13:02

A reply is better late then never!

To be honest, I know the story is ridiculous. The way they stand about chatting for no reason is particularly expressed here:

The door has been flung open, Jeff’s shooting at it with his Stinger, the fearsome Skaarj towers over us, Quig is yelling at me to stop recording and help out-- Oh yeah, I’m helping out!


I liked writing the story anyway, even if it makes no sense. It's part of the fun... :B

And character names I really get stuck on sometimes. You could say the names are from some new, future language... ok, that is plainly a bad excuse.

User avatar Legendslayer222
Skaarj Elder Skaarj Elder
Posts: 1468
Joined: 15 Mar 2009, 10:18
Location: England

Subject:

Post Posted: 26 Sep 2009, 22:29

Just in case anyone was interested, I'm writing a sequel. :wink:

User avatar zacman
Skaarj Warlord Skaarj Warlord
Posts: 690
Joined: 23 Jun 2009, 02:51
Location: Under your bed with a Chainsaw

Subject:

Post Posted: 19 Oct 2009, 09:59

Sorry I'm so late...
The truck made it safely away, although this guy called mole-man got stuck in our wheels, and demanded to be taken to Springfield. Wherever that is. We turned him into a bobble-head and put him in the truck for safe keeping.

That just made me LOL so hard...
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(11:32:26) Shivaxi: i love fat girls

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(03:01:24 PM) <+All_Rights_Reserved> i'm not masturbating


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